EQ

Emotional intelligence, or EQ, gets mentioned a lot, but it's easy to misread. This post explains what it is, what it's made of and how we can build it.

What is emotional intelligence?

EQ is the ability to notice and understand our own emotions, manage them, and read the emotions of the people around us. It isn't about being calm all the time or hiding how we feel. It's about knowing what we feel and choosing what to do with it.

The term was introduced by psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer in 1990, and it was popularised by Daniel Goleman in the 1990s.

The five parts of EQ

Goleman's model breaks EQ into five parts:

• Self-awareness: noticing what we feel and why.
• Self-regulation: managing strong emotions instead of acting on the first impulse.
• Motivation: staying steady on what matters, even when it's uncomfortable.
• Empathy: understanding what other people are feeling.
• Social skills: communicating, listening and handling conflict well.

EQ and IQ are different

IQ describes how we handle logic and problem-solving. EQ describes how we handle feelings, ours and other people's. Someone can be very sharp and still struggle with anger, stress or relationships. EQ is a separate skill, and unlike a fixed trait, it can be developed.

Why it matters

Emotions drive many of our decisions, whether we notice or not. When we don't understand what we feel, we tend to react. When we can name it, we get a gap between the feeling and the response, and that gap is where better choices happen.

Strong EQ also helps in relationships and at work. People who listen well, stay steady under pressure and own their reactions are easier to trust.

Anger is usually a messenger

Strong emotions like anger often sit on top of something else, such as hurt, fear or feeling disrespected. Asking "what's underneath this?" is one of the simplest EQ habits we can build. The first feeling is rarely the whole story.

Four ways to build it

• Name the feeling. Putting a specific word on an emotion, like frustrated, anxious or let down, helps us understand it and settle it.
• Pause before reacting. Even a slow breath or a few seconds gives us room to choose a response.
• Reflect at the end of the day. Ask what we felt, what triggered it and what was really behind it.
• Listen to understand. In conversations, try to work out what the other person is feeling, not only what they're saying.

The takeaway

EQ isn't a talent some people are born with and others aren't. It's a set of skills built through awareness and practice, one small moment at a time.

This week, pick one strong reaction and ask yourself what was underneath it.